Immortals
The trailer garnered massive hype online and got us excited when we heard the phrase "from the makers of 300" but what "Immortals" turned out to be was the most convoluted Greek mythology 'crap-fest' we have seen in years. It is truly hard to imagine that the team behind the awe-inspiring "300" could be capable of jamming so much confusing excrement into one film. I would not even attempt to review the plot since none of it made sense a part from the obvious "Gladiator" rip offs. The acting is an atrocity and this is particularly disappointing since I was quite excited about the casting of "Slumdog Millionnaire's" Freida Pinto in the role of the "Oracle". While Pinto looks stunning, her acting crumbles amongst a cacophony of Greek mythology references which are so badly executed we have no idea what was the original story. The obvious green-screen special effects, Mikey Rourke's hamming and the soundtrack's blatant rip off of Hans Zimmer's music further adds to our disappointment. Grade F+
In Time
This film proves that not everything that Justin Timberlake touches turns to gold. While the trailers promised a film as sophisticated as Christopher Nolan's "Inception", the actual film was a gross disappointment. Timberlake, despite his valiant efforts, could not save the film from its insipid plot about mankind being reduced to buying time (the way one buys groceries) in order to stay young and live longer. The premise may sound entertaining but the execution of the storyline can be likened to the production of "Pee Wee's Play House". Each scene spews garbage upon garbage; and one cannot avoid laughing at the scene when Timberlake's mother (played by Olivia Wilde) runs out of time and tries to run home to get some from her son, who races out to meet her but catches up too late and she drops down dead before him. Yes! It is as bad as it sounds! Honestly, I have not seen such crappy script writing in a major release in years! Grade: F
Conan (2011)
Let's face it. This film never had a chance. Why? How can one attempt to make a Conan film without Arnold Schwarzenegger? The "Conan" films are seen today as some of the most iconic action-adventure films of all time and many fans are still waiting for a third installment with Arnold returning in the lead role. An idea which sounds unlikely given the actor's age and his current "sword and scandal" battle with his own wife. But this unnecessary remake of Conan is downright painful to watch. Yet again the writers failed to create an intriguing story and Arnold's replacement is definitely wearing way too much eye make up for us to take him seriously. The acting is D-List grade and if you are going to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger at least give us someone with a physique that doesn't scream "my Grandmother could take you out while sitting in her rocking chair". Indeed the new "Conan" is an atrocity on celluloid that even an appearance by one of my favorite Sci-Fi actresses, Rose McGowan (From "Charmed" fame), could not salvage. Grade: D
Jack and Jill
How could this film be bad? Adam Sandler plays not ONE but TWO roles and he is dressed in drag for most of the film. Yep folks, Adam channels Dustin Hoffman in "Tootsie" for what is sure to be his first Academy Award nominated role. This film is painful to watch especially since legendary actor Al Pacino appears in what can only be described as a train wreck role. After the success of Sandler's "Just Go With It", Sandler probably felt he could do nothing wrong even after creating such a horrid storyline. With ZERO laughs and painful acting, "Jack and Jill" is certainly 2011's worst film. Grade F+
Happy Feet 2
There was a time when animated films were sure Boxoffice gold and the writers were filled with wit and charm and guaranteed us a good, wholesome story-line. That period died with the universal disaster that was Dreamworks' "Cars 2". The nail in the coffin goes even deeper with the catastrophe that is "Happy Feet Two". When I first saw the trailer I could not imagine why the film makers felt it was necessary to create a sequel to a film that was so complete. The first "Happy Feet" was a gigantic hit and the plot ended on a fantastic note. The sequel however squanders its celebrity voices with an inane plot, lousy song choices and downright boring premise. Even the Latin flavored voice-inflections by "Modern Family" break out star Sophia Vergara could not save this lifeless animated tale. The animation is as stunning as the original but unfortunately the same heart is not there. Happy Feet Two is sadly a stand out example of why certain films should not have sequels. Grade C-
"The Green Lantern"
I have to say that I was truly hoping this film would be as epic as "Thor" and would continue the line of truly awesome super hero films we have seen in 2011 including "Captain America". My hopes were obliterated when I sat down to watch what can only be described as a CGI septic tank. The elements that made "Thor" and "Captain America" so entertaining are completely missing from "Lantern" including humor, great action sequences and a good plot. We all know the classic story of Hal Jordon being given a ring that would transform him into a green clad super hero with the ability to shoot powerful jets of energy; unfortunately the film makers were too afraid to offer us anything beyond that basic story as the film ended up being one moronic CGI war zone with a bulbous headed villain that amounted to zero fear factor. It was brilliant to cast Ryan Reynolds as Lantern but he is saddled with a truly foolish plot, idiotic villain and Blake Lively as his love interest. Poor Ryan, how do you go from powerhouse Sandra Bullock in "The Proposal" to humdrum Blake Lively, whose leaked nude pictures are far more entertaining than this lackluster super hero film. One bright spot is James Newton-Howard's robust music score which has a truly awesome main theme for the Lantern. It is unfortunate that this film tanked since Newton-Howard deserves more recognition for his dynamic orchestral film scores. Grade F+
Red Riding Hood
There is very little I can say to warn you about this film except: "RUN". This is an epically horrible film. The trailer promised a lush, sweeping tale in the vein of Hollywood's latest Fairy-tale blockbusters. The actual film turned out to be a "Twilight" rehash which turned the age old fairy tale into a truly inane piece of film making with a plot that begged the question "is Grandma the big bad wolf, or is it her lover, her mother, or the village butcher"? Amanda Seyfried was brilliant as Meryl Streep's daughter in "Mama Mia" but 2011 was certainly not good to her with two major bombs that made my list. While Justin Timberlake took most of the blame for the horror that was "In Time", Amanda is the title character in "Red Riding Hood" and even her angelic beauty cannot distract us from the brain dead plot, over the top acting by Gary Oldman as a Priest who wants revenge against the Wolf, and truly unconvincing CGI special effects. The cinematography is stunning, especially the scenes where Amanda's bright red cloak is contrasted against the stunningly white snow. But that may be the only saving grace for a film weighed down by the most ludicrous ending in recent memory (No, Grandma is NOT the Wolf). Beware of the well mocked village dance sequence in which a modern day rock song is used for a story which seems to have taken place in the medieval age. The fact that legendary screen siren Julie Christie (famous as Lara in "Doctor Zhivago) plays Red's grandmother makes this film even more painful to watch. Grade D +
"Transformers Three"
It is hard to imagine that anyone went to see this film since its predecessor was the worst thing on celluloid since Paris Hilton's film debut. I have to admit that I thoroughly enjoyed the first Transformers movie with its sleek special effects, humorous sequences courtesy of Shia LaBeouf and the camera's constant worship of Megan Fox's face and figure. I was eagerly awaiting its sequel which turned out to be a convoluted melee littered with plot holes and horrific acting. Granted the third installment is not as bad as the second film, but Michael Bay continues to emphasize special effects above an easy to follow plot. If moviegoers paid any attention to the plot rather than the giant robots, they would certainly develop migraines. The fact that Megan Fox makes no appearance in the film and the negative press that surrounded her departure further makes the film another bad entry in the robot soap opera. Grade: C
"The Hangover Part II"
"Idiots, fools, retards!" was the reaction of many fans of the original Hang Over, including this reviewer after viewing the lackluster sequel. It is hard to find another film that matches the comic brilliance of the first film, however the sequel is a vomit inducing rehash that simply regurgitates the comedy and plot from the original. This sequel greatly disappointed fans who waited with bated breath for more hilarity from Bradley Cooper and his gang of misfits. The fact that the writers ONLY changed the location from Las Vegas toThailand angered many as the story line was exactly what we had seen before. In years to come, many will view "The Hangover II" as the most disappointing sequel of all time. Grade: F +
"The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn"
There is no denying that the C-Section scene from "Breaking Dawn" is the worse sequence in recent cinematic history. While teen girls across the world swooned over the most famous vampire and werewolf characters in modern fiction, the rest of us were horrified that a group of adults, with seemingly normal functioning brains, could string together such a putrid film. There are numerous unintentional bits of comedy in the film including a laughable sex scene. Like its predecessors, the plot to "Breaking Dawn" can only be described as derivative nonsense created to intrigue young girls. However, unlike the previous entries this sequel has an abundance of shockingly foolish set pieces including the much laughed at birth scene, over the top fights and soap opera inspired wedding sequence. Why would anyone appreciate so much waste matter in one film is a mystery. The acting is to be commended as 2011's worst, the cinematography and special effects are bearable while the film score by Oscar-nominated composer Alexandre Desplat may be the film's ONLY saving grace with a masterful sweep of orchestral beauty. The soundtrack which features Bruno Mars and Christina Perri is also to be commended especially Perri's truly romantic "1000 Years"; but beyond the music and songs, "Breaking Dawn" is without a doubt a festering pit of overly hyped popular fiction worthy of the mantle "Worst Motion Picture of 2011". Grade: F+++
Written by Timothy Austin
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